i just like the feeling, so i'll run. a lot

so,

hey`

so, 

i am going to start running again. today. i am going to try to hit 2 miles. and i am going to try to do 2 miles a day for all of this week.  then, i will try to do a 3 miles on one day, for a longer run.

next week, i will try 2.5 miles a day with a longer 3-4 mile run.

this is because i want to work towards running 6 miles continuously.  in the next two months, i want to try to be able to run 8 miles without stopping. maybe 10.

so, i've seen many say to go it slow,

but i've also seen so many people who just jump in and advance quickly.

i have been running for about 2-3 years now, but i am not steady in it and it goes in spurts.

so this time, i will just push myself and make it a habit.

i can drop the weight quickly.

so quickly.

let's do this!!!

i just like the feeling, i don't know how to connect

i have a plug, but i have no outlet.

and what sometimes appears to be one ends up as something else entirely.

everytime i come home, i feel more and more disconnected from my family.  in many ways we are close, but i feel i am not 100% there.  are they? probably. maybe.  but things they do that hurt me, they say is nothing or to get over it, more or less.  it makes it difficult for me to share things. if i am ridiculed when i share, i share less and less.  i want to be connected less and less.

make no mistake, i love my family, i love them dearly, so much.  but i don't feel they understand me, and that hurts.  what a sort of teenage angsty thing to say, but it's something that is building and i have been carrying somehow, for years.


i find it difficult to connect with anyone, really.  i think that in some ways i have become more outgoing than i was when i was younger, but i have realized, these people who i have considered friends are never reaching out to me. i am only reaching out to them.  i stopped talking to the people i thought were friends in high school, and they stopped talking to me.

i organized a dinner, but because it was me, only one person made it there.  and she doesn't even consider me a close friend.

that sucks.

honestly, when i saw her post on fb about her close friends, most of who were mutual friends with me, it hurt. i wanted to cry.



i can keep on going on denying that something is wrong with me. i can give myself a new timeline for it to get better by.  oh, i will have more friends when i switch schools. by the time i graduate. by the time my first year of college ends.  by the time i'm a junior. by the time i'm a senior.  even now, i'm giving myself another year, by the time i graduate college.

and i'll give myself another chance, by the time i graduate from grad school.

am i so weak? it hurts. there is something about me that makes others not want to get closer.  if i share my life, i am the only one sharing. if i leave, i am the one leaving.  if there is an action, it is always and only and all alone from the lonely me.

and here's where you all (if you exist.) reading this start to dislike me more.

i admit that i have never had a relationship either.
and that the only way i've grown to like my face at all is by telling myself so in the mirror.

because no man wants me, i have been planning my life and career in a way that couldn't support marriage.  i'll own my own business.  i'll do my craft.  i'll travel. i'll work in another country.

and at the end of all of it, i'll come home alone to myself, and i'll look up to the ceiling and wait until i fall asleep.

at the end of it all, these same feelings that i've had for years will resurface and i'll subside them again with my reassurances and hopes and goals and dreams.

and i love myself.

i just like the feeling, so don't hold me to it

just wanted to say that i'm bound to mess up, so please don't hold me to sticking to whatever. even after posting that i suddenly want to eat actual food.

i will try my best, and whatever i do, i will still be trying to lose weight.

so please don't hold me to it,

and please still like me if i fail.

-petty

i just want to, so i'm doing 500 calories

500 calories a day, huh?

i don't remember what my weight was on here last time,

but it's certainly up again.

i am drinking sencha, and lots of it...

honestly, i guess the only things i can do okay at are trying to do liquids.

i guess because i get so hungry, and you can have so much more of liquids.
except, this time i am counting calories. well, i am trying to, anyway.

i expect to try and keep my calories low, the first few days, but knowing myself, i might mess up the last few.

the good news is that i have made a little workout plan for myself. rather than a plan, it is just a routine, or the workout itself. since i am not running right now, i told myself i might as well do some body-weight exercises to get an allover exercise in.

so far my plan is 2 sets of the following workouts. the first half is arms, chest, back, abs, and the latter half is legs, abs.

15 sit-ups
15 push-ups
10 overhead tricep curls
20 dips

20 squats
20 lunges per leg
20 russian twists

so, i do this workout two times through, in that order.  ive done it once so far, and i was sore all over the next 2-3 days.  i did it again today for the second time, and i felt like i got through parts of it easier.  in fact, yesterday, my biceps looked much bigger than they had before.  idk about everyone else, but when i run, i get new definition fairly quickly, so i guess it makes since that my arms changed so fast. i'm not saying they are suddenly in great shape, but there was definitely a difference in how round my bicep was and the depth of the cut between it and my upper arm.  quite nice.

i think that since i adapt pretty well, after doing this workout routine 4-5 days a week for 2 or 3 weeks, i will need to up it to something stronger, by adding a 3rd set in, and/or increasing the reps.  the curls i do with a 10 lb weight. for the lunges i hold 5 lb weights in each hand.  in the russian twists, i hold a 7.5 lb weight.

i'm going on a trip in march, though i won't say where, but i want to be in shape by then.  of course i also want to be skinny and thin, but i want to get my workout routine as a habit, that way i don't look like a fake or beginner when i'm there, and so my ability is enough that i can keep up with other girls.

obviously being in shape is better than not being in shape. who wants to be a fat lard who cant do pushups? or who wants to be a skinny lard who is physically weak?

i want the thin runner body.  wear a size 0 with thin thighs, but also have some ab definition and toned arms.  i really like the tone my thighs have gotten even though i'm such an inconsistent runner (i.e. run 4 times in 2 weeks and not run at all for 3 months).  somehow, the definition still comes to me fairly quickly, as each of my running stints has given me a new tone to my thighs.

at the very least, even though my thighs are bonafide huge, at least they don't look like i'm a total fat pig. at least people will think maybe i did sports in highshool (i didn't).

--

well, back to my diet, i have 2 months now and a week to get to 104 lbs. idk why that is my goal exactly. it just looks good.  i also say occasionally 94, but i think i will have to stay at 107-104 long enough that people get used to me being thin and don't get concerned, then i can drop down to 94 if i need to or want to.

i think that works.

i was supposed to run today, but i got lazy because it was later in the day.  my arms are really sore though, so that's good.

for my tea drinks, i currently own these teas:
irish breakfast
chai spice
sencha
genmaicha

well, really i own many more than that, including some herbal teas, but these are the one's i have right now that have the best flavor/ are newer that i bought.

i have had 1 cup of sencha thus far, and i think i will try to get in 4-5 cups plain of others in before the day is out.

then, for my calories, i will allow myself one cup of delicious milk black tea with sweetener or sugar.
i am going to limit myself to maybe 24 oz of this milk tea so that i don't overeat my calories.  if i gave myself 2 cups of milk, that would be 300 calories, then i'd have 200 left for sugar.

wow, actually that's a lot of milk... instead, i will probably do 1-1.5 cups of milk (150-225 cals) with <250 cals of sugar.

-

i really enjoy writing out diet plans.
hope i can keep to it. idk how long for this first stint before i change the way it works. maybe 3 days? 5? more? idk.

well then,

i just like the feeling, so I'll eat just apples and milk.

I'm huge.

Okay.

So, today, I will eat only an apple.  One small apple. Tomorrow I will drink only 2 glasses of milk.  Then I will repeat.  1 apple, 2 milks, 1 apple, 2 milks.

I will repeat until I am under 110 lbs. My next post here will be at 120 lbs or below.

I dont have much time before the 23rd.  What have I done?

I just like the feeling, so I'm still doing a liquid diet

I don't know what my last post was about.

Today is day 5 off my current liquid diet. From the last 4 days, I have went from 130.8 to 125.8 lbs today.  I told myself originally I was going for 7 days, but I think I want to try for 10 instead.  My goal was to be under 120 in 7 days, although that may not happen. I want to be at 115 in 10 days, which also may not happen, but I can try.

I think I am finished consuming for today. I have lost my appetite.  I also made a vow to myself today as well.

I think I might not weigh for the next two days, and then I'll weigh after that. Then, perhaps I won't weigh again for the remaining 3 days.

I won't let myself go. Not this time.  Not ever.

i hate how selfish my brothers are

Today is my 21st birthday, and though my Mom has been so kind, and even my sister who I've had a difficult relationship with has too, my older brothers have tried to ruin my day all day. They've been so mean and cruel and selfish and just ungrateful and egocentric all day.

I always make an effort to try to make their birthday happy and special, but every year it seems like they plan and scheme to hurt me.  Every year they never try to be kind, only talk negatively all day.

They can't even pretend to care for someone else for one day.

I'm sad basically and cried a lot today about it. My Mom cooked a meal for me today and I planned to eat it but I'm not even hungry anymore.

Why do people try so hard to hurt others? When will you ever start caring about someone other than yourself?