i just like the feeling, i don't know how to connect

i have a plug, but i have no outlet.

and what sometimes appears to be one ends up as something else entirely.

everytime i come home, i feel more and more disconnected from my family.  in many ways we are close, but i feel i am not 100% there.  are they? probably. maybe.  but things they do that hurt me, they say is nothing or to get over it, more or less.  it makes it difficult for me to share things. if i am ridiculed when i share, i share less and less.  i want to be connected less and less.

make no mistake, i love my family, i love them dearly, so much.  but i don't feel they understand me, and that hurts.  what a sort of teenage angsty thing to say, but it's something that is building and i have been carrying somehow, for years.


i find it difficult to connect with anyone, really.  i think that in some ways i have become more outgoing than i was when i was younger, but i have realized, these people who i have considered friends are never reaching out to me. i am only reaching out to them.  i stopped talking to the people i thought were friends in high school, and they stopped talking to me.

i organized a dinner, but because it was me, only one person made it there.  and she doesn't even consider me a close friend.

that sucks.

honestly, when i saw her post on fb about her close friends, most of who were mutual friends with me, it hurt. i wanted to cry.



i can keep on going on denying that something is wrong with me. i can give myself a new timeline for it to get better by.  oh, i will have more friends when i switch schools. by the time i graduate. by the time my first year of college ends.  by the time i'm a junior. by the time i'm a senior.  even now, i'm giving myself another year, by the time i graduate college.

and i'll give myself another chance, by the time i graduate from grad school.

am i so weak? it hurts. there is something about me that makes others not want to get closer.  if i share my life, i am the only one sharing. if i leave, i am the one leaving.  if there is an action, it is always and only and all alone from the lonely me.

and here's where you all (if you exist.) reading this start to dislike me more.

i admit that i have never had a relationship either.
and that the only way i've grown to like my face at all is by telling myself so in the mirror.

because no man wants me, i have been planning my life and career in a way that couldn't support marriage.  i'll own my own business.  i'll do my craft.  i'll travel. i'll work in another country.

and at the end of all of it, i'll come home alone to myself, and i'll look up to the ceiling and wait until i fall asleep.

at the end of it all, these same feelings that i've had for years will resurface and i'll subside them again with my reassurances and hopes and goals and dreams.

and i love myself.