i just like the feeling, so I'll eat just apples and milk.

I'm huge.

Okay.

So, today, I will eat only an apple.  One small apple. Tomorrow I will drink only 2 glasses of milk.  Then I will repeat.  1 apple, 2 milks, 1 apple, 2 milks.

I will repeat until I am under 110 lbs. My next post here will be at 120 lbs or below.

I dont have much time before the 23rd.  What have I done?

I just like the feeling, so I'm still doing a liquid diet

I don't know what my last post was about.

Today is day 5 off my current liquid diet. From the last 4 days, I have went from 130.8 to 125.8 lbs today.  I told myself originally I was going for 7 days, but I think I want to try for 10 instead.  My goal was to be under 120 in 7 days, although that may not happen. I want to be at 115 in 10 days, which also may not happen, but I can try.

I think I am finished consuming for today. I have lost my appetite.  I also made a vow to myself today as well.

I think I might not weigh for the next two days, and then I'll weigh after that. Then, perhaps I won't weigh again for the remaining 3 days.

I won't let myself go. Not this time.  Not ever.

i hate how selfish my brothers are

Today is my 21st birthday, and though my Mom has been so kind, and even my sister who I've had a difficult relationship with has too, my older brothers have tried to ruin my day all day. They've been so mean and cruel and selfish and just ungrateful and egocentric all day.

I always make an effort to try to make their birthday happy and special, but every year it seems like they plan and scheme to hurt me.  Every year they never try to be kind, only talk negatively all day.

They can't even pretend to care for someone else for one day.

I'm sad basically and cried a lot today about it. My Mom cooked a meal for me today and I planned to eat it but I'm not even hungry anymore.

Why do people try so hard to hurt others? When will you ever start caring about someone other than yourself?

i just like the feeling, is what I tell myself when I hate myself

I was just thinking positively, hoping for the future, considering my options, planning different study plans, and then I made a mistake.

Trying to offset the scale to be more accurate, I picked up a tub of hairgel along with the clorox, to get a more accurate reading of the weight with the clorox.  But then I put the gel down and stepped on the scale.  Three strange numbers popped on the screen.  "That's odd," I thought.  "That's a lot less than my previous clorox weight."

Then I realized. I felt too light. I looked down. I wasn't holding the clorox. It was still sitting on the toilet lid.  This horrible number was my current weight.

I gained so much. How could it be possible for me to be under 120 by tomorrow anymore?  How did I gain this much? What have I done to myself?


Everything i was feeling good about was gone in a flash.  I layed down on my bed facing the ceiling and pulled the covers over my head and talked to myself about the numbers. "It's not so bad. I can do something about it. I can try to at least weigh 120 even by tomorrow."

I'm telling myself this to try to feel better. But can I really?  The milk tea I had is my end for the day.  If I have anything else it will only be water, and even then in small quantities.

I promised myself I would go run today but I knew I wouldn't. And it's raining now.

I will just try to let today pass with as much emptying as I can.

Today when I get a chance, hopefully within the next 4 hours, I will take 2 more of the extra strength laxatives. If I take too many more of the pink diarrhea ones, my a Mom will get suspicious more than she already has.  No one uses the extra strength ones because I bought them and keep them separate because of how much they hurt me the first time I used them (I took two).


What a sickening post from a sickening girl.  Whereas I should be focusing on GOD,  i have been thinking about silly things.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I hope I can be 120lbs when I turn 21. At the very least, this will be the lowest I have been on my birthday in years.   I know I will be expected to eat cake or whatever foods is cooked, so I have to try to eat little. Why my family even cares to try to celebrate for some horrible girl like me, I don't even know. All I do is mess things up and hurt everybody. I'm horrible.

Next week for sure I have to be under 120. Next Saturday, 8 days from now, I must do my best. I will try to do that.

i just like the feeling, so what if I talk disgusting

so basically this is a tmi post.


I took 3 more lax last night and had a huuge poop this morning, however, I don't think the 3 lax have kicked in yet because they usually give me diarrhea. I had already taken 1 extra length lax of a different kind yesterday yesterday early in the day, and it usually gives me like regular large poops, so I hope that this morning was due to that, and I hope that later today the 3 diarrhea ones kick in.

Not that I try to lose weight necessarily from lax themselves, but having all that heavy vegetable weight inside me is too much. It won't leave fast enough, so I have to make it leave.

So basically I'm gross.  -_-

so i think i've come up with a good idea

well,

even if i didn't really come up with anything new, i decided that for monday and throughout next week, i will try to have only milk tea in unlimited quantities. other than the caffeine, i think this is a great plan, plus i can always pick up decaffeinated tea at the store.  

well. 

now don't you feel happy?  : >>

i just like the feeling, that's why tomorrow has to be liquids only

so yesterday and today i ate a bunch of lettuce.  a HUGE amount. in a salad. i was so bloated this morning after the apple, and salad that had chicken, and plum, and more water that i was too scared to see my weight.  i still have to weigh however, so i picked up the half gallon of clorox bleach and weighed with it.  i usually use it to help my scale detect changes in my weight that are less than 1 lb since it sometimes doesn't pick them up, but this time i just used it as a cover for seeing my real weight.

i think yesterday when i picked up the bleach i weighed 128.8 with it. today i weighed 130.7 with it.

i just weighed before eating this salad and weighed 132.2 with it. i had some water earlier and a bowl with konnyaku noodles, some baby carrots, and a few potato pieces with 1 boiled egg.

why do i do this to myself when i know that saturday is such a special day to me?  i was supposed to be 117 on saturday, but at this point i hope i just stay under 121.  i can do that much at least.  tomorrow is absolutely no food. no food no food no food.

i will have water, yes, plenty. i think i will have tea. i might have a little orange juice.  but i think if i drink orange juice i won't lose.  so maybe just the water and tea. i will let myself have a little splash of milk in the tea.

i only hope i saw the clorox bleach weight numbers wrong, but i think that i didn't.

i just like the feeling, so don't yell at me

a big part of the reason i got angry today was that i felt i had done a horrible disservice to those with anorexia. because my family found the forum and diet i was doing and spoke ill knowledge of it, they spoke of anorexics in a horrible way, and i felt like "look what i've done. now they believe these girls are as horrible and silly as me"

and maybe everyone is as horrible and silly as me, or maybe not. but i feel like those who are able to deny their body and lose weight to such a degree are so much more pure than me in those aspects.

they are so nice. they don't deserve those harsh words.

i just like the feeling, so sometimes i don't eat

hi,

my name is chuppy.  i'm making this blog because i've lost privacy on the forum i used to post on, as a family member went to snoop.

i am on a journey to whittle my body but i don't think anyone understands why i do it.  i don't mean anything bad by it. i just want to feel normal. i am trying to reach my normal feeling.


my current weight today is 122.9 lbs after a great struggle to get down from 139 a month ago.  i don't know where i'm going to get to, but i am not finished yet.

i hope you are doing well, anyone reading this.