i just like the feeling, is what I tell myself when I hate myself

I was just thinking positively, hoping for the future, considering my options, planning different study plans, and then I made a mistake.

Trying to offset the scale to be more accurate, I picked up a tub of hairgel along with the clorox, to get a more accurate reading of the weight with the clorox.  But then I put the gel down and stepped on the scale.  Three strange numbers popped on the screen.  "That's odd," I thought.  "That's a lot less than my previous clorox weight."

Then I realized. I felt too light. I looked down. I wasn't holding the clorox. It was still sitting on the toilet lid.  This horrible number was my current weight.

I gained so much. How could it be possible for me to be under 120 by tomorrow anymore?  How did I gain this much? What have I done to myself?


Everything i was feeling good about was gone in a flash.  I layed down on my bed facing the ceiling and pulled the covers over my head and talked to myself about the numbers. "It's not so bad. I can do something about it. I can try to at least weigh 120 even by tomorrow."

I'm telling myself this to try to feel better. But can I really?  The milk tea I had is my end for the day.  If I have anything else it will only be water, and even then in small quantities.

I promised myself I would go run today but I knew I wouldn't. And it's raining now.

I will just try to let today pass with as much emptying as I can.

Today when I get a chance, hopefully within the next 4 hours, I will take 2 more of the extra strength laxatives. If I take too many more of the pink diarrhea ones, my a Mom will get suspicious more than she already has.  No one uses the extra strength ones because I bought them and keep them separate because of how much they hurt me the first time I used them (I took two).


What a sickening post from a sickening girl.  Whereas I should be focusing on GOD,  i have been thinking about silly things.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I hope I can be 120lbs when I turn 21. At the very least, this will be the lowest I have been on my birthday in years.   I know I will be expected to eat cake or whatever foods is cooked, so I have to try to eat little. Why my family even cares to try to celebrate for some horrible girl like me, I don't even know. All I do is mess things up and hurt everybody. I'm horrible.

Next week for sure I have to be under 120. Next Saturday, 8 days from now, I must do my best. I will try to do that.